Never Say Never

This is the next tattoo.  In years past I was a big fan of the word "never".  It was a control thing.  And a false sense that I knew who I was and how my life would unfold.

I will never be divorced.

I will never jump out of plane.

I will never travel on my own.

I will never do that, say that, be that, want that.

HA!

But the funny thing is that now I love that I don't want to use said word anymore.  It opens a world of possibilities...some that I invite, some that I don't.  But all are part of what makes my journey interesting, and meaningful.

I have no idea what the world will bring...and sometimes that is scary, but mostly it is exciting to know that life will unfold...if I allow it to happen.

Facebook

I go through waves of posting on facebook.  I struggle with wanting to share thoughts and happenings with people I care about and not wanting to yell into a megaphone at a bunch of people, some of whom are friends, some of whom are more or less strangers.

So why do we do it?  I started thinking about this after I put up a post Wed night and then promptly took it down.  This was the post...

Me:  "I love you, Mom"
Mom (who has been losing her battle with Alzheimer's for more than 12 years): "I think I do too"

For me that was a profoundly sad interaction which definitely caught me off guard. Even though I could have, I didn't want to call and bother friends who were probably the midst of dinner or whatever, but I clearly wanted to share the experience, so I posted.  Then I realized it was also quite personal and not something to announce over a microphone.

So why this indecision for me?  Why do we all we share, and post, and like.  I think some do it for publicity/marketing for their business and their brand.  The more your clients/customers know you and trust you, the more likely they are to come to you when they need your service.  Others are just completely comfortable with the world at large knowing every last detail about them.

But I think there is a deeper possibility which I have been contemplating since I posted/deleted the other night. I wonder to what extent we, as humans, have a need to have others bear witness...to our joys, our successes, our struggles, our losses.  Does this somehow makes those events more meaningful, or less painful?  Does it change the event, or how we process it?  Is it comfort?  validation?  What do you think?

I want to go ask a psychologist about this notion of bearing witness.  Fascinating to me.

Community

Eric Nelson inspired me to write again after a bit of a summer hiatus.  So in honor of that inspiration, I decided to write about a community of which he is a part, a leader in.  NKT (NeuroKinetic Therapy)

I have worked for myself, and mostly by myself, for the last 15 years.  I love the autonomy.  And the fact that I am not required to make small talk around a water cooler, or pretend to like toxic people simply because we work at the same company.  My work is fulfilling...who gets to say that their clients are always happy to see them and leave feeling better than when they arrived?  It is also relatively low stress, except that owning a business is never really low stress in my mind.  But that is another topic.  

However much I value my work and am grateful for all my wonderful, loyal clients, I find it lonely at times.  If I had it to do over, I would have a business partner.  Someone to share the ideas, the excitement, the stress and the burden, not to mention the back office workload.  

In the last couple of years as I am striving to grow my knowledge and take my education and practice to the next level, I was lucky to find a modality I love.  I was unaware that in studying NKT, I would also be introduced to a community of professionals who, for the most part, are genuinely supportive of each other, willing to share time, knowledge and ideas with each other, and help their fellow practitioner with learning a new technique, assisting with a tough client case, or collaborating on business ideas and strategies.  This is a unique group and one that I have found to be most valuable, both personally and professionally.  

Community used to be something we all found in our neighborhoods.  During an era when we walked places and played out on the street with the other kids on the block, this was easy to cultivate.  I feel like that has changed so much.  Our lives are too busy.  Most of us get from here to there in our cars.  Hell, I don't even know most of the people who live in my building!  Community is so important and yet it is so much harder to find.   So, to my crew in Chicago, and to the others I have met in NY and along the way...thank you for rekindling my love for my work and for being there to support me.  

How to Meet a Man in this Modern Age of Dating

I thought the blog needed a little levity lest anyone get the impression I am downtrodden.  Quite the contrary.  I find myself rather resilient these days.  The adventures of dating are a lot of learning and growth...and fun too!  I mean, if it isn't fun, why bother?

Here are a few of observations over the last few (7) years.  Pros, cons, and general tongue in cheek opinions with a dash of sarcasm...

So, where and how to meet a man (I think this applies to men and women but since I have only ever been in search of a man, I can't say for sure)...


MATCH.com:  You have to come up with a clever profile, even if you are not clever.  You need to find fabulous pictures of yourself.  You need to sift through the dozens of people who cannot spell, or write a proper sentence.  You need to figure out if the pictures on his profile are recent, the job is legit, the deets are truthful and the man is worthy.  I think I'm tired.

eHARMONY.com:  You have to fill out a questionnaire longer than a college application.  Then you exchange 6 rounds of questions and matching games with a potential suitor.  Good for those who lack creative skills.  And a good way to weed out those people who's answer to "where will you live when you retire?" is "the Suburbs".  Really?

HINGE:  Not a lot of detail you need to provide...they populate your profile from your FB page.  And  they give you matches that are friends of your FB friends, so theoretically they are not completely random connections.  But a 3rd degree connection to a man I used to date, or someone I knew 20 years ago?  Still pretty random if you ask me...

TINDER:  I don't know.  I'm afraid to go there ;)

DATING SERVICES:  You can shell out $3K-6K to have some quasi-professional "match" you with the perfect date.  Or you can wait until they realize they don't have enough inventory for their paying clients and they will ask you to join for free.  But then you have to wonder who has 6 grand to spend on finding the right date...and why can't they do it on their own?

IN A BAR:  You get to see what a guy looks like, if you have chemistry, how they dress and what they drink.  Also who they hang out with (which can be a pro or a con).  But beyond knowing they favor the same drinking establishment, what else can you really tell in a dark bar with loud music and a few drinks in?  And they hang out at a bar...maybe a lot?  Not so good, although I am there too...so I should shut up now.

Our Reaction to Things

A man I was recently dating chose to end things badly.  Wasn't a shock that it was ending...the writing was on the wall.  But the way he handled it wasn't good.  Without going into gory detail, let's just say he was not the consummate gentleman he fancies himself to be.  It was poor form, but I didn't really get angry.  A good friend of mine asked why I wasn't more angry about it?  She felt I should be and couldn't quite understand how I could be so calm, and understanding.

It got me thinking about how each of us reacts to things.  Sort of like the saying I am sure many of you have heard...

I don't want to meet weak or unkind behavior with anger or vengeance.  Not sure I would be wrong to be more indignant.  At the end of the day, that reaction wouldn't likely change who he is, but it might change how I feel inside.  Sure I am disappointed, but I can either feel sympathy for his shortcoming, and turn to focus on my life, or I can sit and stew over what he did.  I chose the former.  Not sure there is a right and wrong here.  Just something I'm thinking about.


I think I aspire to treat others the way I want to be treated.  And that includes how I react when someone does something dumb, or selfish, or lame.  Could one argue that this is me "turning the other cheek" as my mother repeatedly told me to do in elementary school when I was being picked on by the mean girl 2 doors down?  Hell, no!!  Then I ignored her, thinking that was the best option since my mother said so.  Well, it wasn't.  I should have stood up for myself and at least been able to say something.  But now I know I can stand up for myself (as I did this past week) and point out someone else's bad behavior and call them out without stooping to their level of mean or unthoughtful.

But who knows...maybe when someone does something meaner, or more hurtful, I will be singing a different tune.

The Games We Play

I don't like to play games.  I mean in relationships.  I love Battleship, Cards against Humanity and CornHole, just to name a few. But when dating, I try not to play games.  I am not good at it.  It never ends well.  And now that I am nearing my mid-forties (yikes!!) I really can't be bothered to spend time acting based on what I think someone else is thinking. See, to do it is as ridiculous as it sounds.

I get all sorts of advice on dating (mostly I solicit it).  Important to note the advice below is from men as well as women.

"don't let him know you like him too soon"

"don't have sex before the Xth date or he won't consider you serious partner material"

"wait for him to text you"

"be a little aloof...guys like a bit of a chase"

"just wait for him to come to you.  He must need space"

Seriously people?  If this works for you, God Bless, but to me, this is silly.  If I like you, I like you.  If I want to have sex, I don't see why I have to pretend I am not into it.  If you don't call me...I am going to call you, not wait until you do and then pretend like it's no big deal! What a headache!  I have enough trouble figuring out my own life, I have to figure out what is going on in your head too?

So I will continue to ask questions when I am unsure what someone is thinking...and I guess I will either find someone that appreciates it, or I will be single for a while.  Kinda like a science experiment ;)

Alone

How do you feel when you are alone?  I am of mixed minds.  I really like time alone.  But I want it when I want it (yeah, I know).  There are occasions when, as a single person amidst couples and families, I have alone time when I don't necessarily want it.

I can remember when I was first divorced, I loathed Sundays.  It was the one day everyone else seemed to have plans with their own people.  I would try as I might to plan things, and my friends did the best they could to accommodate me, but in the end, I spent many Sundays alone.  It has always been, at least for me, the day you spend with your partner.  So when there is no partner, it becomes glaringly obvious.

Some of that discomfort with Sundays was because I wasn't particularly ok with my own company.  I found comfort in the presence of others.  I think that was because I wouldn't truly have to sit with my own fears and insecurities.  Now years later, I truly enjoy the time I have on my own and with myself.  And it makes it tolerable to not be with someone just for companionship.  I will be with someone when it is the right thing for me.

Does this ability to enjoy time with ourselves make us better partners, better friends?  Does it make the time we share with others more meaningful?  Valuable?  Interesting for me to ponder.

And make no mistake, alone is cool, but it is always nice to have someone to do nothing with :-)