Hurdles

I was talking to my sister the other day about how hard it is for her husband to get into a workout routine.  As someone who, for years, never had to think about exercise and just "did it", I stopped to think about why it was so "easy" then and now, after a 6 month hiatus, I am in the same space...finding it hard to make the time.  Finding excuses not to get to the gym.  So what is that about?

Well, for one thing, prior to my injury I was in a routine.  And once workouts are part of your life, and your schedule, it never occurred to me there was another option.  I just did it.  I need to get back into a routine.

Why is that so hard?  I have no more laundry to do now than before.  I unfortunately do not have the distraction of someone at home to lure me back to bed.

I said to my sister that I think exercise has to become the number one priority until it becomes something we can't live without.  Until such time as the benefits are apparent, and the routine is set, the exercise dates need to override everything else (within reason).  Because I am here to attest to the fact that when you do master this, everything else still gets done.  And there is still time for a full life outside the gym (or the bike or the yoga studio or whatever you decide is your thing).  I have been on both sides.  And it is NOT easy, but you (and I) can get there.  So decide how important your health is to you.

Back in the game, with a paddle and a leash

As many of you have surmised, my head is feeling much better.  I have been hesitant to declare victory, but I dare say I am all better.  Over the last couple of months I have slowly been getting back to my former amount of exercise and activity.   What made me most happy was that it was in time to enjoy at least part of paddleboarding season.  I have been doing it for maybe 4 years now and it is one of my favorite things.  Being on the water is like nothing else.  So that is my excuse for being MIA with the blog.  I was too busy paddling, and getting someone dear to me hooked on the sport as well.  

I was able to do one race this season.  It was towards the end of the summer, and I hadn't trained.  A few people said "Good Luck", which was so sweet, but I wasn't racing to win.  I was racing to be back in the game.  To be with friends and my fellow paddleboarders, doing something we all love.  And it was not an ideal day (sorry guys).  It was upstate New York where apparently they have cold snaps even in August.  It was freezing at the lake at 730am.  Ok, perhaps not technically freezing since it was in the 40s, but that is definitely my definition of freezing...especially anytime prior to Thanksgiving.  

Even still, it was a glorious day.  I was on my board, chasing Nancy the entire 3 miles of the race.  The sun was on my face, the water cooled my feet (since by then the day had warmed up and I was hot from the exertion).  What could be better?  

The CT crew at the Cayuga SUP Cup.  08.2014

So why do we do what we do?  Why do we get up at crazy early hours to jump or run or paddle or peddle?  It is because it feeds our soul.  At least it does for me.  So find some activity that excites you.  And get in the game.  Be active.  Stay healthy.  Get happy.  

Perfect Body

What is the perfect body?  Is there even such a thing?  I know that a lot of people, including myself, struggle with this notion and some pressure to attain that perfection.

The period of time when I was closest to what I thought was the perfect body I was VERY lean.  The trendy name for it at the moment is shredded.  I guess I was that.  I have never gotten more compliments, more gushing (seriously, people gushed) about my physique...ever.  BUT, inside I was wrecked.  I was just on the cusp of getting divorced and having the life I had built collapse around me.  I was scared and sad and trying to find my way.  I was putting on a brave face but I was muscling through each day.  I wasn't eating enough.  The stress made it nearly impossible to keep down a full meal.  And yet, what people saw was the very thing we all think we want to attain.

That was about 6 years ago.  I am now softer, fuller, heavier, happier, calmer, healthier, more confident, more joyful, more present in my own life, more sure of what I want, more willing to show the cracks in the armor, more patient with myself.  I wouldn't trade that for shredded.  Ever.

Who the fuck cares about perfect.

Authentic is much more FUN!!

Slow down and listen

I have historically found it challenging making decisions and trusting what is the right thing for me.  It was far easier to let whomever I was with decide what we should do today.  I think I know what I want but then I doubt myself.  I over-think and over-analyze, in an attempt to make the best decision.  I have always lived a bit more in my head than I would like.  But in recent months I have been lucky enough (like how my perspective has changed from THIS) to be forced to slow down and listen to what I need, and then trust that voice.  Instead of thinking I am being a wuss, I now listen when my body tells me to rest.  When I am pretty sure that a guy isn't right for me, I move on and don't spend time with him just because he seems nice.  When I feel torn about doing a particular activity, I am getting better at pausing (THE PAUSE!) to figure out why it doesn't feel right, and then adjusting my plan or actions accordingly.  

When I take the time to get out of my head and out of my heart and listen to that little voice, I realize just how wise it is.  It serves me well when I am not afraid to stop and listen.  

And thank you to Elephant Literary Journal for the eloquent words above.

As I would wish it

I can't always take credit for the ideas behind my blog posts.  On a number of occasions they have come from comments made by friends about previous things I have written.  For example, after my post last week about What I miss the most, my longtime friend, Lisa, said "...hope the journey back to full strength is as you would wish it."  I think there was a time that I would have simply said thank you for the well wishes, but now I have more to thank Lisa for. 

As I would wish it.  Do I want the journey back to be as I would wish it to be?  Or am I ok with having the journey back be what it will be.  Let's face it, wishes can be a good thing...something to strive for, or they can be set up for disappointment.  I wish to have been that person married for 50 years (to the same person).  I wish I was naturally slightly slimmer.  I wish I could travel each year more than I do.  I wish my mother wasn't fading out of this world battling Alzheimer's disease.  

So what does it mean to wish for something?  Is it intention?  Is it putting our desires out into the universe so they become reality?  Is it goal setting?  Is it semantics?  I think wishes are good if they are things we can achieve.  Something to strive for.  But for me when I wish for something that requires control over a situation, I have started to think that a better route for me is to relinquish control and allow things to unfold as they should.  It is not as if that absolves me of the responsibility to work for the things I want.  I know I need to work hard to get my strength and fitness back.  But I think I will try to do it without a predetermined idea of what the result will be.  

Not sure.  I don't want my willingness to surrender to the process to somehow take away my ability to focus on a goal and get it done.  So am I really talking more about the process, or perhaps about my attitude while getting there.  

What I miss the most

It is interesting to me that when all this started I thought I knew what would be the hardest pieces for me.  Especially at the beginning, I was unhinged by the notion that I would no longer be slim and fit...and what that would mean to my self-worth, or my overall appeal.  This is one of those "everything happens for a reason" events because although I will always struggle with that a bit, I have had the fortunate opportunity to prove to myself that I am, in fact, the same person regardless of my size or the definition in my arms.

So what is it I truly miss the most?  My strength.  The ability to do things for myself without having to think twice.  Or the confidence that although my skill in a particular sport or activity may not be the best, my body would carry me through.  I would not get wobbly halfway in.  I could always manage to run a 5k...not always the most pretty or the swiftest, but I knew I could get it done.  I could embark on a crazy ocean paddle race and trust that I would be able to finish, even though I have not yet mastered surfing my 12'6" raceboard.  

But, as my sister has repeatedly reminded me, we are made from hearty stock.  And I also know that my body has muscle memory and will happily (hopefully) remember all the training I have done and I will regain the strength I once possessed...and maybe even a little more.  

So, as I set to the task of exercising again, and starting to lift weights and retrain, I like that I know my strength, and what it represents to me, is far more important than seeing my abs.  

But lucky for me, they sort of go hand in hand.  

Gifts

Having friends that "get it" is an amazing gift.  After 4 1/2 months of no activity at all, I had 2 days in a row paddling with no adverse reactions!  To be on the water again is such a joy to me.  Being out there in the early(ish) morning with the birds and the ducks and no other sounds.  Glassy water with a slight ripple.  Hazy sunshine.  Paddling between the moored sailboats.  Pure bliss.  

And my friend...he got it.  He understood and wanted to share my excitement.  This was his text response when I filled him in on my day...

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So cool.  

But even moreso was my answer to his next question.  

In his very wonderfully Rob way, he asked that despite what a frustrating process this head injury has been, do I feel like I have grown in other ways.

With very little need to think about it I was able to answer.  "Absolutely!  I am definitely slower (in a good way) and softer (in more ways than physical).  I think my empathy has grown.  And I think I am closer to creating the life that I want."

Kind of a huge deal that an event which knocked me so far off my center back in February was to be such an host of life lessons.  About strength, courage, vulnerability, patience, surrender, clarity, priorities.  

Day in and day out life marches on, with all its struggles and joys, challenges and victories.  But how easy is has been for me to keep moving and not notice them, and not pause to appreciate what I have and figure out what more I want.  This 18-week pause has gone from being a scary, unfortunate accident to a wonderful gift of slower pace and introspection.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Well....;-)