Thursday, June 25, 2015

How to Meet a Man in this Modern Age of Dating

I thought the blog needed a little levity lest anyone get the impression I am downtrodden.  Quite the contrary.  I find myself rather resilient these days.  The adventures of dating are a lot of learning and growth...and fun too!  I mean, if it isn't fun, why bother?

Here are a few of observations over the last few (7) years.  Pros, cons, and general tongue in cheek opinions with a dash of sarcasm...

So, where and how to meet a man (I think this applies to men and women but since I have only ever been in search of a man, I can't say for sure)...  You have to come up with a clever profile, even if you are not clever.  You need to find fabulous pictures of yourself.  You need to sift through the dozens of people who cannot spell, or write a proper sentence.  You need to figure out if the pictures on his profile are recent, the job is legit, the deets are truthful and the man is worthy.  I think I'm tired.  You have to fill out a questionnaire longer than a college application.  Then you exchange 6 rounds of questions and matching games with a potential suitor.  Good for those who lack creative skills.  And a good way to weed out those people who's answer to "where will you live when you retire?" is "the Suburbs".  Really?

HINGE:  Not a lot of detail you need to provide...they populate your profile from your FB page.  And  they give you matches that are friends of your FB friends, so theoretically they are not completely random connections.  But a 3rd degree connection to a man I used to date, or someone I knew 20 years ago?  Still pretty random if you ask me...

TINDER:  I don't know.  I'm afraid to go there ;)

DATING SERVICES:  You can shell out $3K-6K to have some quasi-professional "match" you with the perfect date.  Or you can wait until they realize they don't have enough inventory for their paying clients and they will ask you to join for free.  But then you have to wonder who has 6 grand to spend on finding the right date...and why can't they do it on their own?

IN A BAR:  You get to see what a guy looks like, if you have chemistry, how they dress and what they drink.  Also who they hang out with (which can be a pro or a con).  But beyond knowing they favor the same drinking establishment, what else can you really tell in a dark bar with loud music and a few drinks in?  And they hang out at a bar...maybe a lot?  Not so good, although I am there I should shut up now.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Our Reaction to Things

A man I was recently dating chose to end things badly.  Wasn't a shock that it was ending...the writing was on the wall.  But the way he handled it wasn't good.  Without going into gory detail, let's just say he was not the consummate gentleman he fancies himself to be.  It was poor form, but I didn't really get angry.  A good friend of mine asked why I wasn't more angry about it?  She felt I should be and couldn't quite understand how I could be so calm, and understanding.

It got me thinking about how each of us reacts to things.  Sort of like the saying I am sure many of you have heard...

I don't want to meet weak or unkind behavior with anger or vengeance.  Not sure I would be wrong to be more indignant.  At the end of the day, that reaction wouldn't likely change who he is, but it might change how I feel inside.  Sure I am disappointed, but I can either feel sympathy for his shortcoming, and turn to focus on my life, or I can sit and stew over what he did.  I chose the former.  Not sure there is a right and wrong here.  Just something I'm thinking about.

I think I aspire to treat others the way I want to be treated.  And that includes how I react when someone does something dumb, or selfish, or lame.  Could one argue that this is me "turning the other cheek" as my mother repeatedly told me to do in elementary school when I was being picked on by the mean girl 2 doors down?  Hell, no!!  Then I ignored her, thinking that was the best option since my mother said so.  Well, it wasn't.  I should have stood up for myself and at least been able to say something.  But now I know I can stand up for myself (as I did this past week) and point out someone else's bad behavior and call them out without stooping to their level of mean or unthoughtful.

But who knows...maybe when someone does something meaner, or more hurtful, I will be singing a different tune.

Monday, June 22, 2015

The Games We Play

I don't like to play games.  I mean in relationships.  I love Battleship, Cards against Humanity and CornHole, just to name a few. But when dating, I try not to play games.  I am not good at it.  It never ends well.  And now that I am nearing my mid-forties (yikes!!) I really can't be bothered to spend time acting based on what I think someone else is thinking. See, to do it is as ridiculous as it sounds.

I get all sorts of advice on dating (mostly I solicit it).  Important to note the advice below is from men as well as women.

"don't let him know you like him too soon"

"don't have sex before the Xth date or he won't consider you serious partner material"

"wait for him to text you"

"be a little aloof...guys like a bit of a chase"

"just wait for him to come to you.  He must need space"

Seriously people?  If this works for you, God Bless, but to me, this is silly.  If I like you, I like you.  If I want to have sex, I don't see why I have to pretend I am not into it.  If you don't call me...I am going to call you, not wait until you do and then pretend like it's no big deal! What a headache!  I have enough trouble figuring out my own life, I have to figure out what is going on in your head too?

So I will continue to ask questions when I am unsure what someone is thinking...and I guess I will either find someone that appreciates it, or I will be single for a while.  Kinda like a science experiment ;)

Monday, June 8, 2015


How do you feel when you are alone?  I am of mixed minds.  I really like time alone.  But I want it when I want it (yeah, I know).  There are occasions when, as a single person amidst couples and families, I have alone time when I don't necessarily want it.

I can remember when I was first divorced, I loathed Sundays.  It was the one day everyone else seemed to have plans with their own people.  I would try as I might to plan things, and my friends did the best they could to accommodate me, but in the end, I spent many Sundays alone.  It has always been, at least for me, the day you spend with your partner.  So when there is no partner, it becomes glaringly obvious.

Some of that discomfort with Sundays was because I wasn't particularly ok with my own company.  I found comfort in the presence of others.  I think that was because I wouldn't truly have to sit with my own fears and insecurities.  Now years later, I truly enjoy the time I have on my own and with myself.  And it makes it tolerable to not be with someone just for companionship.  I will be with someone when it is the right thing for me.

Does this ability to enjoy time with ourselves make us better partners, better friends?  Does it make the time we share with others more meaningful?  Valuable?  Interesting for me to ponder.

And make no mistake, alone is cool, but it is always nice to have someone to do nothing with :-)