Thursday, April 24, 2014

(Sweet) Surrender

The title of the post was originally Surrender.  But by the end of writing this, I added the sweet.  Trying it on for size.  You can decide.  

The last few days have been frustrating to me.  I should be better by now.  Do I sound like a broken record yet?  I mean c'mon...I took all that time off.  I rested.  I did nothing.  But still my head is not right.  I am easily fatigued, both physically and mentally.  I want to will my brain to heal.  To rush the process.  But alas, I am reminded yet again, that all I can do is surrender to the healing process.  I can choose to respect the brain that has served me so well for the last 43 years and give it the time it needs to regrow the neurons.  It will not be on my predetermined schedule, despite the fact that I have adjusted said schedule a few times already.  It will be what it will be.

When I first was injured, I was in denial about the pain, the severity of the injury.  I pushed past what my body was trying to tell me.  Worked when my head hurt, when I was exhausted.  After all, I am tough.  Macho, as a few have suggested.  When I finally admitted I needed to rest in order to heal, I decided that would take 2 weeks (or a little less than 2 weeks after I attended to the last few clients appointments I didn't want to cancel).  After that I will be better.  Not so fast, Maria.  Still not myself.  But when?  Why not yet?

After my chiropractor stopped just shy of an outright eye-roll, he suggested I stop "yelling" at my brain to heal (which is likely doing exactly the opposite of what I want).  To fully surrender means to give up control.  Surrender is scary, but perhaps, in a way, freeing.  To just allow what needs to happen.

There is a striking parallel here to something that has been suggested to me for my life as a whole.  Surrender.  Surrender the plan.  Surrender my tight hold on controlling the outcome.  I do not know what the future will bring.  I cannot control what happens.  But then I think, why would I want to?  At what point did I decide that my life would be better if I controlled everything?  (that is yet another blog post).

No control, no plan.  The wild and crazy ride strikes again.


Richard Hoffman said...

Probably you just need to get on a boat in the islands for a month...or two. Just let the waves of peace and relaxation flow over you and one day you will just wake up realizing that everything is clear again!
Just saying.

Brooke Feder said...

Aaah....surrender. Doesn't quite feel like the release that I want to believe comes naturally with the territory. You've got me thinking now - why is it so hard? Why does control [or the illusion of control] feel more comfortable. Here's my 2 cents. I think we have to surrender "to..." To something. To what you may ask. But that is the essence of the dilemma. What are you willing to surrender to? What will you put your faith in? What can you trust? As the woman who got me to jump out of an airplane, I have no doubts in your ability to let faith and trust carry you. Think about what you can place them in. That day we skydived, I had faith in the guides who would jump with us. I had trust in the equipment and the multiple checks everyone did on it. I believed in the quality of the instructions we were given. And I had complete faith in our intentions! So what can you safely and sweetly surrender to...

Maria Amendolia said...

I have some wise friends :-)